Falling Back in Love

16 Jul

The heart is a fickle thing. The slightest tears may go unnoticed or disregarded and left for future repair. Yet even the most minute infliction will alter the way it operates. Every time these wounds are left without proper inspection and repair the heart veers farther off of its natural beat and way of distributing its life blood. Eventually it prepares a new way of doing things and sometimes these invented set of operations and routes are  taken without second thought. My heart had led me far from where it was supposed to be, or rather, I had subjected my heart to far more than it could handle and it resulted in its utter disrepair.

One day I stopped loving. I woke up one morning not loving the person who I was, not loving the sunbeams dancing above me, not loving the prospect of a new day. I woke up not wanting to wake up. I had fallen out of love…

How do you fall out of love? You fall out of love with complete ignorance of grace that lies at hand. You fall out of love when you compromise your integrity or dishonour your values time and time again. You can fall out of love when milestones may not be met, when anger assumes control of actions, when you act like less than the beautiful being you are in order to please someone. You can plummet out of love when you do ridiculous things in order to feel something, or in order to not feel something. You can fall in and out of love a million times a day and just because you do it a million times doesn’t mean that the blow lessens.

I am learning how to love once again. Each day I fall a little more in love with myself and my lack of organisation, my shortcomings as a single parent, and my unescapable fragility. The key is in realizing that everyone falls out of love at some point, you just need to have the courage to fall back in love.

I want to live fierce with heart. As a spiritual being living in a human condition I do not see anyway around it. If left to a life without love, without God, without connection to source, I become something that feels less need to love each sunrise. I fear that it is the path that led me to dread the dawn of a new day. One should hope to grow in love always in all ways and not succumb to the reverse cycle. We as humans, are capable of moving forward, the heart is strong enough.

I was reading Finding Inner Courage by Mark Nepo earlier this week and he speaks about how life’s experiences carve holes into you. These holes are left behind and everyone’s battle wounds are of different sizes and shapes and in different locations. Mark Nepo likens this to a flute, if we all choose to see beauty and opportunity rather than ugliness and live in bitterness we can use these holes to create our very own song. So let your heart sing.

 

 

Sealed with love,

 

Helen

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