Why love? Why not?

24 Sep

The fact is.. I’m never going to stop loving. I have had my moments where I near fell to the ground in dramatic thunderous fashion and shook my fist at the sky and screamed “WHY?!” denouncing my early betrothal to love.

I started writing long handed, scrawled love poems when I was in the fourth grade and everywhere I went I toted a collection of William Shakespeare’s works. It took me another year to realize that even though I truly aspired to BE William Shakespeare, I could not literally metamorphose into an old white guy. Correction: Deceased old white guy.

That was a “Why?!” moment.

Let’s explore these “Why?!” moments as I’m sure many others have had them.

My father and I stood looking out the kitchen window where frost nibbled at the edges of the pane. The world was unnervingly real, raw and cold.

My father placed his arm around my shoulder and as we watched my mother get wheeled out into the ambulance after her third suicide attempt he said whisper like, “I don’t know what to do anymore”.

My knees almost buckled.

“Why?!”

My first real rape. Not sexual abuse, but rape. I’ll spare the details but walking into the always judging and unfriendly war zone of a junior high everything became slow motion. Every eye turned to look at me and I could feel it. I could feel them sizing me up, knowing what I wanted to unknow. I locked myself in a bathroom stall and had to be escorted out of the school.

“WHY?!”

Squaw circle. Cowboys surrounding me in an all too intimidating fashion, guffawing and laughing. ” Is this here yer’ Squaw?”

The boy I was with said nothing as they continued to poke and prod me while continuing to call me Squaw until they tired. I felt like I could dissolve from the acidic nature of my shame.

“WHY?!”

Second, third, and fourth rape.

“WHY,WHY,WHY?!”

Truth is, I’ll never know why. I can only know that I have been given strength to surpass such things, and my emapthic window has widened each time and I can see the world more lovingly. I have a lot of reasons to ask WHY?! … but when it comes to loving, to remain open to the world even when you are broken, I ask…Why not? Isn’t that what TRUE LOVE is about? To love even when you do not feel loved.

With love,

Helen K

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One Response to “Why love? Why not?”

  1. Paddy Noble September 24, 2012 at 11:22 pm #

    wow that’s powerful! The ‘why’ is actually very powerful! I’ve had many ‘why’ moments myself. Head over heals with someone! He loves me too but our relationship is as brothers like, but this explains my why moment too. I really love it! Oh my god I can’t imagine how you feel!

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