Treatment Centre Flash Back

16 Feb

May 2012:

The psychiatrist gave me homework: Write down all of the negative thoughts I had in a day. untitledCounter the negative thoughts with a positive thought.

Now, before doing this homework I had dabbled in affirmations, positive thinking, I’ve watched and read “The Secret”,  and I had made a vision board at home full of things I want to achieve. I figured my mind was in not too bad of shape but it was something inside of me that was broken.

Toting around a notebook to record every single negative thought is tedious work, but you get to see the devious work the bastards in your mind are up to. Apparently I have several dozen writers in my head fueled on coffee and cocaine that are committed to scheming up crippling thoughts, self-sabotaging ideas, and unfounded fears. They just never fucking tire.

I have always loved to write. I have mountains of cheap exercise books filled to the brim with awkward, horrible, and sometimes brilliant poetry, quips, and blips of stories. Blips of stories because I could never quite commit to finishing them, it just seemed so final. When I did not have a paper handy I would scrawl out my thoughts on napkins, receipts, anything. If I failed to find something then my arm would transform into parchment and poetry would be tattooed on my arms. Here I am, a decade down the road writing out my negative thoughts on napkins in the cafeteria and tucking them away to be countered with a positive for later.

Some of the thoughts are as follows:

“Why do I have to fucking cry? Such a big fucking baby. Put a smile on your face and shut the fuck up.”

“You did this to yourself. All of it.”

“You’re so fucking weak it makes me sick.”

“I’m a fucking loser. Can’t get shit right, might never get it right.”

They all follow the lines of self-hate and strong distaste for emotions and they continued. I really didn’t know how sick my mental state was until I took note of it, literally took notes of it. It shocked me and scared me. My mind was a gigantic beast and my mental health was its prey. So I began to counter the black hearted beast with truths like, “I have a right to my emotions,” which seems simple enough but helped me profoundly. If I am feeling like I need to cry, I can do so, and not place judgment on myself. We have the right to do that, to express our emotions in a healthy way. It’s not a train of thought that became magically replaced but is something I have to tell myself every time I begin to cry, or if I am feeling sad. I allow myself to truly feel it and then let go of it. Never hold on.

I kept this list and spare papers in one book that I tried to remember to carry everywhere with me. I was terrified that one of the napkins will slip out of the notebook unnoticed and someone will fetch it as I walk away and witness the harshness of my psychobabble. They would think I carry around self-hate notes for kicks but I took some relief in the fact that I was in a treatment centre, where everyone has problems, it wouldn’t make me seem like a cautionary tale… There we were all living that tale.




4 Responses to “Treatment Centre Flash Back”

  1. Laurel February 16, 2013 at 2:43 pm #

    Helen, if you ever want to try some Energy Psychology to take the affirmations to a more powerful level using acupoints to maximize flow, please let me know and we can set up a skype date for it. for more info.

  2. angrygaijin March 11, 2013 at 7:38 pm #

    That’s an interesting little experiment to try. I’ve found that I have a lot of negative thoughts and memories. So I’ve also been trying to focus on the good things. Maybe writing it all down would be a constructive thing for me to do too. Thank you~~

    • Helen K March 11, 2013 at 8:53 pm #

      It definitely helped just to see them to be more aware of what my mental environment looked like so I could move past it 🙂 Good luck and from what little I know about you, you seem pretty amazing!

      • angrygaijin March 11, 2013 at 11:41 pm #

        Say whaaaat? I’m not sure what I did to warrant such praise. ^_^ But thank you!

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