The True Nature of Light

11 Apr

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The thought that

I would forever be too broken to love,

And the fact that

I’ve always been too broken to love myself,

Left me longing and lingering on moments that you left behind.

I lose myself in playbacks picking up spent seconds like artifacts

With the delusional notion that if I collected enough

They’d fit together like a jig saw puzzle and form a whole heart

And like the tin man I would feel again and find this place called home

Instead of forever chasing rainbows

And losing myself on yellow brick roads

That lead me nowhere but to more nowhere guys and discarded clothes

If only I could scream out every scream I’ve ever stifled and shushed

Then maybe I’d get the drift of this emotion they call love

If only I could buffer all of the edges of me that had been broken

Recall all the hurtful things and slander my lips have ever spoken

If I could redeem one of the 4 lives I’ve already lived

And hail mary away all of my mortal sins

Then maybe, just fucking maybe,

I could find it in me to love myself

Before I try to find my love in him

But

I’ve got these multiple lives stringing behind me

Enough stories to fill the needles of a dozen junkies

I’ve been hurt enough that my hips hold bruises beneath the skin

But I’ve got one thing going

And it’s that I’m still breathing and still standing

I’m over collecting seconds and dragging old bones out of bed

So that these moments can explode and leak their shit into my head

God damn it,

I want to bloom beautiful every single morning

I was thinking that I would wait,

For a man who could give me the truth of

How much he really loves me

But right now,

I’m learning how

to find that same truth

Inside of me

I’m not perfect

My aim was never to be

I’ve got more kryptonite than superman

And it reminds me that when I fly I have to do so lightly

I soar with the high risk that I might burn up like Icarus

Idealistic and foolhardy

Yet I need to behold the beauty of the sun

Pluck it from the heavens and inspect it

Feel the warmth and soft burn upon my skin

So that I may see the true nature of light

I’m leaving my baggage grounded

I’m not too broken that I can’t take flight

When I step foot to hard earth again

I will have found the piece of me that mends

I will then retire my survivor stories

And clear a shelf to be filled with a new legacy

The legacy of how love and light

Started within me.

*

with love,

Helen K

him.

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7 Responses to “The True Nature of Light”

  1. atsyed87 April 12, 2013 at 12:12 am #

    This is beautiful! Epic, detailed, and honest. You’ve packed so much into it!

    • Helen K April 12, 2013 at 12:15 am #

      Thank you, I watched a spoken word poem earlier that stirred enough junk and thought that I couldn’t fall asleep until I wrote. Haha. Glad you liked it.

  2. Michele D'Acosta April 12, 2013 at 12:17 pm #

    This is such a beautiful heartfelt, honest and revelatory poem. Thank you. Michele

  3. angrygaijin April 17, 2013 at 7:15 pm #

    Powerful words. I wonder, what do you mean when you talk about the 4 past lives. That’s a very specific number.

    • Helen K April 18, 2013 at 4:51 pm #

      Haha, childhood, addiction, redemption, and addiction again.

      • angrygaijin April 18, 2013 at 7:04 pm #

        I guess I asked a pretty personal question there – sorry!
        I appreciate the answer though. 🙂

      • Helen K April 18, 2013 at 11:17 pm #

        Haha dear, my whole blog holds pretty personal content. 🙂

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