The Teachings Are Coming

1 Jun

imagesmentalI’m taking a Mental Health in Social Work course at the moment and we have had a lot of discussion about mental health disorders, pharmaceutical conspiracy theories, and client empowerment. What I find funny, is sitting in a class and learning about issues that you are going through at that same time. Talk about real life application.

Lately I have hit a peak of restlessness, a peak found at the height of existentialism. I have been left in want of something more than what I have obtained and this has led to a gross sense of discontentment and lingering melancholy. I can see my past smaller waves of depression conjoining and conspiring and coming back as a gigantic fucking depression wave of epic proportions. Yes. A gigantic fucking depression wave.

I’ve battled social anxiety – 2 separate types as I’ve noted in my mental health class-hold several symptoms of borderline personality disorder (Which seems like a lot of people I know), and have also had a concurrent disorder. Meaning I’ve had two running at the same time, more like 3…. Anxiety, Addictions, and Depression. The Unholy Trinity.

This new depression, left me feeling disconnected from any activity that I was presently a part of. My mind state existed in a bubble not permeated by the triviality of such average every day concerns like the price of laundry detergent, grade point averages, and the audacity of instructors with neo-Nazi like class like tendencies. I floated, but not fuzzy school-girl-I’m-in-love-floated, more like im-heavy-and-can’t-feel-movement-nor-appreciate-life floated.

When I get like this, I get upset with not having yet found the answers. I can be found outside in my small patio at night questioning and cursing at the stars. Demanding answers from a speckled nights sky as if one would fall and hit me between the eyes and leave me enlightened.

Earlier this week in class I failed hard at a presentation. My mind was unable to grasp simple concepts and I had forgotten my printed material. I proceeded forward and began to fumble with my words. I strained to get a sentence out and had to stop for a few seconds at a time to regroup. I apologized at least 5 times to the class, knowing that I had been drawing out the presentation.

Let me say, I’m pretty fucking smart and I have never had to struggle so hard to do a presentation or something orally in my life. I give thanks for that now, because that shit was horrible. I had a few pairs of concerned classmates eyes focus in on me and I wanted to flip them the bird, say fuck this institution, storm out and move to a mountain cabin where I could write while I went off my rocker. But not really, because I need the credit to graduate next year.

At lunch time, I sat outside the class and upon having a conversation with another student about the class dynamics, my tear ducts decided they needed a work out. The next thing I knew, I was blubbering and crying, not even sure where it was coming from and crying from the frustration of not knowing. My classmate holds me. I sniffled into her shoulder.

She ditched class early with me to practice self care. We go to the water. Pray. Talk. Heal. Be human. I am forever grateful for those moments when people are REAL. When emotional lepers disrobe and let their wounds brave the light… it is the most beautiful damned thing I have ever seen.

Fast Forward:

ss2

I’m sitting outside on my mini patio staring up at the stars and we have engaged in our usual conversation.

I’m like, “What’s up stars?”

They’re like, “Nothing bruh. Just shining bright…like a diamond.”

Just kidding. My stars have class. Class that is untouched by cheezy pop 40 references.

I pray and ask for guidance, I tell Creator I NEED help, I can’t exist like this, in an inbetween, I need to move to a new stage. I ask for help.

There was a moment that the wind blew in a shawl that wrapped itself around me, a gentle embrace. At the same time the leaves clapped together to make a melody. I heard it from inside of me and outside of me like a whisper….

Prepare Yourself, the Teachings are Coming.

You know the old adage, “when the student is ready then the teacher appears”?

Well this is like that. It’s like how I started forcing myself to public speak 4 years ago, powering through my shaking lip and sweating like a gigantic pore. I powered through it because I knew that one day I would be placed in positions where I would need to public speak. I had to be prepared for the opportunity when it arises. And surely it did. I have spoken at several community events, read poetry at coffee houses, and spoke at the United Nations in Geneva with a delegate of Indigenous Youth Ambassadors.

I’m preparing myself for the teachings. I believe they are coming. Change is happening.

(In Mental Health class we would classify this as a symptom of Schizophrenia not Spirituality)

Much love,

Helen K

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