Becoming Real

6 Jul

When you spend most of your life

Learning how to be hard.

You’re not scared of more violence,

More disappointment, or more pain

You’ve learned to navigate

These heavy layers of reality

And how to tell your story

As if it is no longer your own.

Disassociate

From the punctures

In your own heart and lungs.

Learn to live

solely on shallow breaths.

Another trial trickling through the cracks

Is nothing more

Than a fucked up familiar feeling

That you know you can sleep beside

and still manage to dream.

I know

That I can survive whatever life can throw at me

I’ve been broken and fractured

So many times that

It’s easier to count the breaks rather than the solid pieces

Im able to pour myself out on page

Arrange syllables in such a manner so they may convey

The traumatization of repeated rape

Or the knotted gut feeling of childhood abuse

I can recount on stage

The crippling effect of  my carnivorous addictions

I can speak openly about such afflictions

Without hesitation, without faltering.

But it’s the one on ones,

where the moments matter,

that I struggle to unfurl

and become real.

When you spend a life time becoming hard

your only fear is

That the moment that you become soft enough

To take a shot at something real

will be the moment that breaks you.

This possibility

is the only thing that terrifies you

Scares you

more than punctures, pain, and predators.

 

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5 Responses to “Becoming Real”

  1. Paul F. Lenzi July 6, 2013 at 11:40 am #

    shockingly powerful

  2. aliciakhoo July 6, 2013 at 11:58 am #

    Yes, I absolutely know what you mean. Thank you for writing this. More people out there need to read your poetry. Out of the crushing, a poet is born.

    • Helen K July 7, 2013 at 8:39 pm #

      Thank you for taking the time to reply. I feel that any situation can grow character if we let it

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