Archive | March, 2014

I want to write you Poetry

15 Mar

I want to write you poetry
I want to write you right out of my existence
As if this next sentence
Could blot out promises mentioned
However well intentioned they were
Their empty vessels clutter up my chest
In such a manner, that they suffocate me in still moments
And swallow up my breath
I wanted what was promised to me
A future, with chubby Indian babies and growing into an old kohkum with you by my side
I couldn’t have believed in them more even if I tried
I wanted these promises to be realized

I want to write you poetry
Let these words create a stage where I could vent my frustrations and display my rage
But you left behind more good moments then bad
Just because I didn’t love you the way you wanted me too
Didn’t mean I didn’t love you with all that I had

You were the first person
To not fall in love with the idea of me
But to love ME
The woman
With more skeletons than cemeteries
More of them unearthed than buried
And wept beneath open skies
Those naked moments of compassion
When I couldn’t even look you in the eyes
And you have me truth and love that I struggled with to internalize
It was those times
That I held on to
Even when you refused me my feelings
Even when you did shady shit and twisted the moment and flipped the focus
Leaving me questioning myself
I was always quick to own my own shit
After my history of addictions
I was used to self led crucifixions
When the truth is
You, with a knotted tongue
Would look in the other direction
And let me struggle until I swallowed enough toxins to drop it
You were the first gamble
I ever invested enough in
To really feel the loss of your presence
I just wanted you to love me
To speak words that would explore it’s depths
I only needed to hear it
But now I only hear the unfulfilled promises in my chest
I can remember the days that we discovered our love
Now I gaze at our empty closet
I can’t recall where we lost it

I can’t mold you
I can’t shape you
I can’t mother you
I can’t convince you that love is change
That love is renegotiating of space
I can’t lead you to the water
When I am panting
Bones bled dry
I can’t say sorry anymore
At the expense of losing more of what I have inside

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