17 Things I Have Learned About Me Sucking at Love While Learning How to Love

2 May
  1. When he says he loves me I want to believe him. My heart will do a momentary summersault before it lands in a question mark.
  2. I have spent the majority of my life believing I was unlovable. I believed love was an elusive substance that my rapidly aging heart would never be able to contain. I believed that I had seen too much and done too much for something as luxurious as love to grace me with its presence. I never got close to anyone because I didn’t think they could love the mistake-ridden woman that I believed I was. I buried that belief under a full moon with a howl, an offering, and a prayer. My battle wounds have made me that much more beautiful.
  3. I have been learning how to love myself without apology or permission. I relapse sometimes, apologizing for the chaotic mess that I can sometimes be while learning how to let someone in.
  4. I did not fight so hard to live to become a walking apology.
  5. I feel most comfortable in a romantic situation knowing I can walk away at the drop of a dime without long term withdrawals.
  6. I try to stay in the stage of shallow investment in romantic situations for as long as possible in order to protect myself. I first see men as love interests, then as potential threats to my delicate harmony and balance. I am trying to fix my eyesight so I can see in the present and not obsess over assessing. I am moving out of survival mode into a world of thriving.
  7. Liking people is hard for me so if I really get to that stage, know that I am battling my own shit to try to be present for you. Liking someone means I have less control and as an ex-addict/alcoholic having no control is scary as fuck to me. Please be gentle with my like.
  8. I have a switch in my heart that reads “emergency turn off”.
  9. I was hurt a lot as a girl, as a teenager, and as a woman. I learned early on how to completely numb emotionally in states of trauma in order to save myself from the monsters disguised as men and other bad things. Learning how not to feel was survival. Learning how not to love was necessary. This is what I began my journey with.
  10. I can let people die to me overnight, or sometimes in the split of a second when I feel they are threats to my emotional stability. I am learning how to discern real threats from ones my old traumas pretend are real threats.
  11. I talk a lot about love because I am learning how to not suck at loving. Love is one of my life lessons that a previous reincarnation of me failed to do. I am mopping up the shit that past me left undone so future me will never have to do the same.
  12. When a man tells me he loves me I want to believe him. Sometimes I feel like a little girl trying to discern if he is a monster or not before I am able to say “I love you” back.
  13. If I tell you I need reassurance it is because I am aware that my past beliefs are rising up and I am trying not to drown in them as I find my way back to you. I do not think this is needy, I think this is a practical awareness of what I need love to look like as I am in a state of healing. I am okay with vocalizing my needs because there was a point I didn’t even know these existed underneath my reactions.
  14. I am often defined as too intense. I have lived most of my life without feeling and I want to feel everything in its truest form. I refuse to roll in a world of half measures. I am G’d up from the feet up. I am a love gangster. It is all or nothing when I am in it. My love is sporting a gold tooth and riding 22 inch rims when it arrives late to the party.
  15. I am now more answer than I am question mark. I love myself and all of my question marks.
  16. I still think love is beautiful and worthy of pursuit in spite of all the bullshit I have to wade through in order to learn about it and live it’s truth.
  17. My love is a crescendo, a swell, the take-away line of a poem, the moment between lightning and thunderclap,… it is also the lightning and the thunderclap. My love is a work in progress, an uncovering, a discovery, an adventure. My love is imperfect and may come in pieces but I will love someone and admit my failings and attempt again.. until I learn how to get it right.

Much love,

 

Helen K

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2 Responses to “17 Things I Have Learned About Me Sucking at Love While Learning How to Love”

  1. Sober Tony May 3, 2017 at 7:02 am #

    This really speaks to my current situation. It’s so mixed up – one minute I’m crazy in love, the next I hate myself for being so needy, the next I hate her for not loving me, then I realize it only me who’s​ not loving me.

    I really liked how you worded this:

    I did not fight so hard to live to become a walking apology.

    I guess that’s why everyone tells me to wait on relationships until I’ve got more time in recovery.

    • Helen K May 3, 2017 at 8:06 pm #

      Definitely a challenge! I got into my first relationship 6 months into my sobriety journey and it was a wild and bumpy ride. I am over five years sober with a lot of the kinks worked out buuuuuut definitely have a ways to go. Have you ever read Gabor Mate’s book “In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts”? There’s a lot of stuff in there regarding this that helped me put things in perspective.

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